If you eat something and no-one sees you, it has no calories.
 

If you drink a Diet Coke with a Mars Bar, the calories of the Mars Bar are cancelled out by the Diet Coke.
 

When you eat with someone else, the calories don’t count as long as you eat less than they do.
 

Food used for medicinal purposes never counts – such as hot chocolate, Bailey’s Irish Cream, Sarah Lee cheesecake on toast.
 

If you fatten everyone around you, you look thinner.
 

Telly-watching snacks, like crisps and buttered popcorn, don’t count. They’re part of the entertainment package, not one’s personal fuel.
 

Broken biscuits contain no calories, because breaks cause calorie leakage.
 

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if it’s purely for cleaning purposes.